Reason to live
by Sukichan111
Summary: Hollow, empty, Hikaru is mine and all I ever wanted was his happiness but now that he is happy without me his smile makes me sick. How can that girl trespass into my territory and steal away my Hikaru...however shy timid me...could never speak up Angst HIKAKO! Minor Hikaharu
1. That pain inside my chest

Chapter One- That pain in my chest

I stood there and watched in pain. As my beloved twin brother Hikaru walked away with Haruhi. _Under my mask of pain I was smiling._ _I was happy he was expanding a bit._

_Selfishly I was worried for myself. Scared he'd want her and I'd lose my Hikaru._

"My Hikaru.."

_My only real love. I was frozen were I stood he was laughing, he only ever laughed that way with me. Hikaru? No he can't love her its…it's just too soon.  
why?_

_I wanted to run, to move, something. I didn't... Why am I still watching?_

_I must be selfish. my brother; he's happy. And I'm sickened because he's happy._

_and now she's happy , with my Hikaru! Am I a bad person?_

_They walked into the building and finally…"Hika...r..." I froze and could not move, not even an age. _

_I turned to walk to my room. I walked out the gate instead. How could I go to class?_

_How could I walk the hall with them? I look at someone as sweet as Haruhi with disgust and hate._

_Am I a bad person? How could I do that in front of Hikaru?_

_He is happy. isn't he? _

_I ran down the path, into the darkness of the nearby woods._

_It's kind of funny... Hikaru stood here once looking confused like me. Did his heart hurt like mine? I hope not. I hope my brother never felt like this._

_A horrible aching feeling welled up inside. My heart feels heaver every second._

_Every second he's away from me. Every second he's with her._

_Every second I rested against that tree._

_I waited and watched as the sun set in the sky._

_I felt my cheeks burn hot...The honey color in the sun as it set…..was the same as my beloved's eyes._

"Hikaru..."

_I looked at my feet. I Could stay here all night.._

_No. I'm such a baby I'd probably have a nightmare. Maybe, just maybe._

_Hikaru would be better off with someone brave like Haruhi._

_I'm not brave….I'm not strong….I'm not fit to be his other half….am I?_ I could see It coming from the moment I watched them walking together.

I tried... no had to conceal it. But Now I felt it bubbling up in my eyes.

The warm tears spilled over my cheeks.

I wonder what my brother would say if he saw me like this.

He would laugh.

Or would he walk away?

Maybe he would hold me and say it'll be okay.

I buried my face into my hands and fell to my knees.

It's sick to love who I do. I dont question my feelings, but he'll never love me.


	2. my dear Hikaru

That night I gathered up enough courage to go back to my room.

Sadly Hikaru's room is right next to mine.

I sat up awake with my arms behind my head in a relaxed position.

But I was far from relaxed.

I could hear him and Haruhi laughing together.

"Kaoru's been acting weird; I'm kind of worried about him, Hikaru" I heard Haruhi's soft voice.

Then came the voice of my lover "who cares about Kaoru" he laughed.

I froze cold air filled the room but mostly around me.

His sent filled the room and his voice filled my ears.

"_Who cares about Kaoru?" _

"_Who cares about Kaoru?"_

His words echoed in my head over and over each pierced my heart but the pain only got worse.

I wanted to scream to let it all out……to kill Haruhi for taking him.

For the first time in my life I wanted to hit my brother.

But my heart wouldn't let me…..how could hate the only one who ever put a smile on my face?

I balled my hand into a fist and slammed it into the wall.

I felt the dry plaster breaking beneath my now loosed hand.

I know they both heard that bang but I wonder…..did my brother even look up.

I felt like I was surrounded by people screaming and no one could hear me…..no one not even the one who used to.

"Hikaru shh….he might hear you" I heard her voice again.

Then I heard his voice "ha, like I care let him hear me who the heck cares" he was still laughing.

I couldn't hold in the violent shriek that escaped my pale lips next.

I let out a few of those same violent shrieks.

And like in my head nobody not a single person looked up.

I couldn't sleep at all that night.

I had nightmare after nightmare and each one was worse than the last.

I was so shocked all though the night.

At 2 am I heard Haruhi leave his room and my eyes closed almost peacefully.

I was sad and scared I was really losing my Hikaru my worst fear was coming true.

I was really losing the only one I ever really loved.

My dear Hikaru.


	3. i lost him

A few days past and nothing changed it only got worse.

I woke up that morning and found a note on my pillow.

I unfolded the paper and started to read it.

_Why are you_ acting like a jealous idiot?

_You can be so stupid Kaoru._

_Hikaru _

I read it to myself aloud.

Tears fell to the small white piece of paper.

I crumbled it in my hand and it fell to the floor.

Now it was time for the club and I'd have to see and talk to Hikaru.

I walked in and looked around I saw him hug and kiss Haruhi quickly before walking over to me.

He looked annoyed but we had to put on our brotherly love act for the girls.

He wrapped his arms around me tenderly.

It was hard to believe it was an act.

I needed to feel his warmth I had to.

I loved him dearly but….we never actually kissed before.

I couldn't help it he was whispering to me tenderly and kissing my cheek and looking in my eyes how could it be helped.

I felt warmth on my lips like they were putting pressure on something else soft and warm.

He pushed me to the ground.

I looked up and my pupils shrank to the center of my eyes.

He was holding to fingers to his pale lips and his cheeks were a soft pink.

Tears ran down my cheeks.

"IM SORRY BROTHER" I screamed running back to my room.

I buried my face in the pillow and sobbed.

I heard the door open I looked up.

"H-Hikaru" I whispered whipping the tears from my eyes.

My eyes shook with tears as my brother yelled and threw a punch at me....and I wasn't going to fight back.

I fell back words into the wall and continued to sob.

"Why'd you do that" he hissed pulling me to my feet by my hand.

"I'm sorry" I yelled with tears running down my pale cheeks.

"Why Kaoru"

"IM SORRY" I screamed.

I was sitting on my bed now.

He turned to the door to leave.

"I take it back brother, I take it all back" I sobbed.

He turned and without a word left me in my tears.

I'd lost all that was important to me id lost my brother my friend and lover.

And it was all that girls fault.

I hate her I want Haruhi to die.

Am I a bad person for thinking this? I think not.

They say when someone takes something for you, you take it right back.


	4. HE'S MINE

What happened the other day was still fresh in my mind and today I half to see him again.

**Flashback**

I ran down the long hall of our manor crying I had a bad dream.

It was pouring and thunder was cracking outside.

I fell down and cried in my hands.

I felt thin arms wrap around me from behind

"Don't cry brother" Hikaru smiled at me.

I stood and nodded.

He took my tiny 8 year old hand in his and we walked to his room.

We climbed into his bed and snuggled in together.

**Flashback over**

I could never get any of his memory out of my head.

No matter how much pain it brought me I could never let my Hikaru go.

That would be far worse.

How could I let him go.

The door opened.

Hikaru walked in and sat down next to me on the bed.

"Sorry….for the other day" he muttered.

I nodded…."I'm fine"

"Look Kaoru…..I am…in love with…..Haruhi….I really am" he whispered.

I felt my body trembling.

"She's amazing and funny and smart" he smiled looking away from me.

I shook more.

"I…feel….dead" I whispered slowly each word but was sure he heard it.

"But..." he stopped me.

I looked up.

"You were always in the way of me asking her out for some reason Kaoru, and I don't know why" he still didn't look at me.

I stood up and put one of my hands on both sides of his beautiful pale face.

I made him look me in the eyes.

"DID YOU EVER THINK MAYBE IT's BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME TO HIKARU DID THAT THOUGHT EVER OCCOUR" I screamed running out the door and down the hall.

I closed my eyes and saw his smile.

I opened then and ran faster.

I closed them again I felt his touch.

I ran into Haruhi's room.

She didn't hear me come in she was reading a book.

I grabbed her roughly by the shoulders.

I slammed her into the wall.

"Give him back to me" I growled with sweat running down the side of my face.

Fear filled her eyes.

I dropped her and she hit the floor.

"Give him back…… give him back…… give him back……" I whispered intimidating her.

"HE'S MINE" I SCREAMED.


	5. you really are an idiot

I left her as fast as I could.

I attacked Haruhi I….I hurt her….why did I do that.

Hikaru will…..hate me now.

I know my dear brother will hate me for what I just did.

Damn Kaoru why are you so stupid…..I asked myself.

I felt the tears welling up again.

"WHY" I screamed running down the hall and outside.

I didn't care if I was ever thought of or remembered by anyone ever again.

The only one….I ever wanted to care for me was my beloved Hikaru.

If he hates me….I don't care if my name ever escapes anybody's lips ever again.

Why would I care if my face ever appeared in anyone's mind ever again?

I ran into the woods again.

This time with no intention of turning back again.

I ran fast as I could.

I tripped on a large tree root and landed in the mud flat on my face.

I stood up and whipped some mud from my face and walked farther into the darkness.

It was dark and hard to see now.

After about what seemed like forever I got tired and made my way into a cave.

It was raining and the cave was hardly any dryer then outside.

I crawled into a corner and buried my face in my hands and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried.

Thunder cracked I knew Hikaru must be holding Haruhi about now.

The storm was bad and I know she must be scared.

I wondered if anyone was worried for me because I wasn't there.

Why would anyone worry for me?

Why am I important enough to worry about?

Who is Kaoru Hichillin to anybody?

Nothing.

Nothing is what I am to everybody.

What use am I when my look alike is there?

Sure there's no more brotherly love act.

But to those girls a relationship between Haruhi and Hikaru would be just as great as me and Hikaru.

I continued to cry.

What else was I to do?

Suddenly I heard something.

"KAORU" I heard a familiar voice.

I looked up.

Hikaru ran in and pulled me into his arms.

"You idiot" he whispered.

He was covered in mud and he was soaked just like me.

He had cuts all up his arms from thorns and prickles.

He was holding me.

"Hikaru aren't you…."


	6. shocked

"Brother, aren't you mad at me" I asked shyly.

His eyes hardened.

"Yes I'm mad at you" he snapped.

I was confused.

"I never asked you to look for me"

He sat down next to me.

"Yeah but what you said to me before you left…..about me and you" he whispered.

I looked up.

"I think it could be true Kaoru" he looked me in the eyes.

"What about… "I felt warmth on my lips.

He was kissing me.

I melted into the warmth.

My cheeks turned red.

His hands ran up and down my arms.

In between breaths he whispered my name.

I needed to breathe so I unwillingly pulled away.

"What about Haruhi" I whispered.

His gaze tore though my heart.

"You hurt her" he growled.

What was I to say?

I wasn't thinking as I spoke.

He looked shocked.

"What did she do, brother" he yelled back.

"She took you from me" I screamed as thunder cracked.

"You say it like I belonged to you" he stood up standing over me.

"I love you" I screamed.

"God you're such a freaking idiot Kaoru" he yelled as I stood up.

"For what" I whispered.

He took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

"Kaoru" he whispered slowly.


	7. reason to live

"Kaoru, you think I don't suffer for you" he whispered.

"Brother" I looked up.

"Its taboo…its sick Kaoru" he pulled me close.

"I asked Haruhi because I didn't want you to think I was sick" he whispered.

"w-what" I gasped.

"I love you so much its sick brother I didn't want you to know" he stared me in the eyes with only love.

"I hurt you brother….I'm so sorry" he buried his face in my shirt.

"You never were good about your feelings" I whispered smiling.

He smiled looking up at me.

We ran home hand in hand laughing together.

Haruhi met us at the gate.

Hikaru stopped and said hi.

"Haruhi" he whispered.

She looked up at him.

"You're nice but really I love Kaoru far too much to leave him for you….so please stay…" I cut him off there.

"STAY OUT OF OUR LIFE" I yelled.

Haruhi for some reason under stood and nodded and turned and walked away.

I turned and hugged my brother.

I tried to sleep in my bed that night and had a nightmare.

I woke up crying and walked down the dark hall to Hikaru's room.

He was waiting up for me.

He walked up and tilted my head up and whipped my tears from my face.

"you never half to be scared again my love" he whispered.

My cheeks turned red.

"I'll protect you Kaoru now no more crying it'll be fine" he laid his lips down on mine.

And we fell into silent moans and shadows on the wall.

Life would be great now.

I knew it would be.

I had my Hikaru.

What else do I need?

What else could I ever want?

**My life is worth living because I have you**

**My dearest Hikaru**


End file.
